When Love Dies
by Monica-Bing
Summary: You were once my deepest pain...but you were once my friend." (JR) Two new chapters - FINALLY!
1. Chapter One

When Love Dies

Chapter One

Okay, contrary to anything else I've ever written, this is a Ross and Rachel story, NOT Chandler and Monica.  But they are in it a little bit.  =)  This follows the timeline of the show, only Rachel was never pregnant.  Everything else happened the way it did on the show.  I've had this written for months now, but I thought I might get some inspiration to finish it if I posted and got some reviews.  ;)  Hint, hint…

R&R fans – I'm not one, so be warned!  (But I am starting to come to terms with what is bound to happen and am starting to look forward to it a little bit…)

The song "When Love Dies" is sung by John Berry, and I WILL use the whole song in upcoming chapters.   

Oh, yeah – don't own 'em.  On with the show.

He saw her as soon as he stepped off the plane - craning her neck, trying to find him in the crowd of passengers entering the terminal.  She still looked the same – young, beautiful, happy – even though it had been almost three years since he had seen her last, and her life had changed drastically since the day he had left New York.  

            His gaze shifted to the man standing beside her - his best friend.  He, too, looked exactly the same.  Looking at the two of them, he could almost believe that nothing had changed.  Maybe he had never left, and maybe when he saw the others they would look the same, and he would feel the same, and things could be like they used to be.  Was it wrong for him to hope for that?

            She saw him.  Their eyes met across the room where people were greeting each other – some for the first time in years, others only in hours.  She grabbed her husband's arm and pointed, already flying toward him, a big smile on her face.  In just seconds, he was being joyfully greeted and hugged by both of them simultaneously.  

He hadn't realized how much he missed them.  

            When they let him breathe again, he glanced around them, then back at her sparkling blue eyes.

            "You didn't bring Caleb?"

            She shook her head apologetically.  

            "He was sleeping, so we left him with Phoebe.  We didn't know how long we'd be waiting for you to land…and an airport's just no place for a toddler.  Besides, Egypt to New York?  There were bound to be delays."

            He nodded in understanding, though he was disappointed.  He was looking forward to meeting the little boy in the pictures Monica e-mailed him regularly…who had Monica's eyes and Chandler's smile and had already been walking and talking for months.  A child he had never even seen except in pictures.  His nephew.  He had hoped Monica and Chandler would bring him with them to the airport, but he understood their decision.  And the others…well, Monica had just explained Phoebe's absence, and he knew that Joey was still somewhere in California finishing up his latest taping cycle.  Rachel…well, he hadn't expected her to be here.  He didn't even know if he had wanted her to be.  But, it had been three years.  She had moved on, that much he knew.  It had been hard on her, and he knew that, too.  It had been hard on all of them.  But he couldn't blame her for the choice she made.  He knew now that it had been the right one.  He hadn't understood it then…but three years can put almost anything in perspective.  Sometimes even broken hearts.

            "Ross?  You okay?"

            Chandler's voice cut through his thoughts, and he jerked to attention, pushing the thoughts away as he smiled as his sister and brother-in-law.

            "Fine.  Actually, though, I'm starving.  That airplane food did me in.  You guys want to stop for lunch?"

            Monica and Chandler nodded in agreement, and Ross threw his carry-on over his shoulder as they headed toward baggage claim.  He pushed aside his uneasy thoughts and listened attentively as Monica chattered animatedly about her son, telling Ross about all of the cute and brilliant things Caleb had said and done lately – that he had missed.  

            "She has this speech memorized," Chandler whispered to him with a nudge and a smile.  "I think she practices in the shower."  

            Ross smiled.  He had missed this – Monica's enthusiasm and Chandler's wry sense of humor.  He allowed himself a pang of guilt for staying away for so long, and wondered sadly if they really missed him as much as they said they did.  He had thought on many nights that their lives probably carried on without him much as they had before.  After all, Chandler and Monica had each other…Phoebe lived in her own world half of the time anyway and probably talked to him in her dreams as much as she ever had in person before he left.  Joey was busy with a new romantic comedy - having found his calling – in addition to Days of Our Lives.  And Rachel…well, she was probably just relieved.  He knew he had been when NYU offered him the chance to go to Egypt and teach the study abroad program.  He had just wanted to get away…to find something different.  To let her live her life without having to worry about him.  So he had gone.  

And he hadn't told her he was coming back...

            Ross sat in the armchair, watching them so intently that he had lost all pretense of participating in the conversation.  Chandler was holding a nearly-sleeping Caleb on his lap, and Monica was sitting next to them, leaning against Chandler and looking as happy and content as he had ever seen her.  They were a family now.  Before, it had just been Chandler and Monica, and he knew that he – and the others too – had started to believe that it had always been Chandler and Monica, that there had never been a time when they weren't together.  But now it was different.  They weren't just Chandler and Monica.  They were Mama and Daddy.  The Bings.  And whatever Chandler had been so afraid of becoming hadn't kept them from that bliss he was in the presence of at just that moment.  They were a family.

            He'd never had that.  Not in any of his marriages.  Not even with Ben.  Did he dare to think he might…one day?  He suddenly realized just how much he wanted this.  A family.  His family.  He'd always wanted it, almost as much as Monica had – must be in their genes.  But now, as he sat in their living room, faced with the fact of their very happiness, he knew that he would give anything to know that his chance wasn't gone forever.

            It had been good to see Phoebe again, though he was disappointed that she had left shortly after they arrived, citing a massage client that had called and scheduled an "emergency" appointment.  But he was staying at her place – the extra room at Monica and Chandler's now being Caleb's – so they would have plenty of time to catch up over his visit.  And then there was Caleb.  He was adorable – just as cute as Monica had said he was.  Ross was happy that the child had appeared to have no qualms about meeting him, and willingly let Ross hug him and gush sufficiently.  Chandler and Monica had been preparing him to meet his uncle – that had been obvious in the slightly confused look on Caleb's face when he questioningly addressed the dark-haired stranger as "Uncla Woss"?  He had been grateful that Monica and Chandler had made sure the child at least knew his name, even if he had never before met the man who was truly – by blood – his uncle.  

But Ross knew that the title itself probably didn't mean much to the eighteen-month-old.  He called Joey "uncle" too.  That much was a given.

            And it took all of his strength not to hate Joey for taking that away from him too.

            Ross glanced at his watch to divert his thoughts, and was relieved to see that in just a few minutes, Ben would be getting out of school and he could leave to keep the scheduled appointment with his son.  He hadn't seen him since Ben's last visit to Egypt – almost four months ago.  

He had once sworn he wouldn't move away from Ben – back when Emily wanted him to move to London to "save" the marriage he had destroyed before it even began – but it hadn't been as difficult as he thought it might be.  Ben was older now than he was during the whole Emily fiasco, and Carol had been willing to let him fly over to visit every few months…And when he was truthful with himself, he hadn't spent that much time with Ben even when he still lived in New York.  Still, he couldn't wait to see his son again, and that had been the final "pro" that compelled him to take this trip home.  

            Monica reluctantly shifted away from Chandler, and stood up to go put her sleepy son down for his afternoon nap.  Ross stood up too, seeing an opportunity to slip out a few minutes earlier than planned and be alone with his thoughts – his regrets - for a few minutes.  He had been running from them far too long.

            "Hey…I promised Ben I'd pick him up from school today and spend the afternoon with him, so…I think I'm going to go ahead and head out…"

            Monica turned to look at him, Caleb asleep in her arms.  She nodded solemnly, her gaze questioning him.  He gave her a half smile and grabbed his jacket.

            "I'll be back later to get my stuff and take it over to Phoebe's?"

            "You want to have dinner with us?" Monica asked him softly, her voice telling him she already knew what his answer was going to be.  They really knew each other far better than a brother and sister should.  

            "No.  I don't want to impose.  I thought I'd take Ben out somewhere anyway."

            "Okay."  Monica impulsively crossed the room and hugged him tightly, careful not to crush Caleb between them.  "I'm glad you're home, big brother.  We really missed you."

            Ross hugged her back, swallowing away an inquiry as to just who the "we" she mentioned was.  He paused long enough to kiss Caleb on the top of his head, remembering a precious little boy he had held in his arms all those years ago – a child with blonde hair and blue eyes who had been born into one of the most awkward family situations imaginable.  Ben was no longer that little boy, and Ross felt a wave of regret that he hadn't spent more time with him when he was little – and that he lived an ocean away from his son now.  Did Ben have a reason to envy his cousin, because Caleb had two parents who were together and in love?  Did it matter?  Did Ben even care?  Should he?

            He didn't know.  Ben had never cared about Carol and Susan when he was younger, but he was getting older now.  He would be in high school in a few years, and the matter-of-fact way he handled his odd parentage might not fly then.  Ross couldn't help feeling like Ben had been cheated.  

Maybe they both had.

            Chandler stood up as Ross reached for the door and walked over, stopping to kiss Monica briefly and carefully run his hand over the top of Caleb's head.

            "I'm gonna walk out with Ross, okay?  I'll be right back."

            Monica just nodded and headed for the bedroom with Caleb as Chandler followed Ross out into the hallway, both of them casting an apprehensive glance at the door across the hall.  Neither said a word until they were standing on the sidewalk outside the building, when Chandler laid a hand on Ross's arm to stop him, and spoke softly.

            "She'll want to see you, Ross.  She felt so bad after you left… I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not in your position, and I admit that I'm glad I never will be.  But…just think about it.  You'll be thousands of miles away again soon enough, and…maybe it would be good for both of you."

            Ross just nodded, hoping Chandler would leave it at that.  Of course he had thought about it, but he hadn't decided yet.  And the strange thing was, his reasons for not wanting to see her were not the reasons they all thought they were.  It _wasn't_ because he still loved her.  He _didn't_.  He _hadn't_.  Not for a long time.  It was just…

            He couldn't help feeling sad, even now.  When he left New York, it wasn't without some anger, some bitterness…some questions about why it had ended up like _this_.  But he had been gone for a long time, and now he suddenly realized that he wasn't angry anymore.  He wasn't even heartbroken - contrary, he knew, to what all of their friends thought.

            He was just sad.

            She was married, happy, in love.  And it wasn't with him.  

            Ross walked slowly down the street toward Chandler and Monica's, thinking about the day.  He'd missed New York.  There were so many things that were unique only to this city…the atmosphere, the culture, the big-city hustle and bustle that he had grown up with and always taken for granted when he wasn't slightly annoyed with it all.  

            And there was his family.  Ben, Monica, his parents, Chandler, Caleb…even Carol and Susan.  And after spending the afternoon with a ten-year-old that was growing up without a father, Ross realized just how selfish he had been.  Maybe he could still make up for that.  Maybe he couldn't.  Maybe what's done is done and can't be changed.  But maybe there are second chances for everyone.

            Ross sighed, wondering how he had arrived at this point in his life.  Ten years ago, he thought he had it all – a PhD, a good, well-paying job in a museum, a beautiful wife, great friends, a good relationship with his family…even a nice apartment.  Too bad the beautiful wife decided that she'd rather love another woman… Maybe he could blame everything on Carol.  After all, that was the beginning of all this, wasn't it?  The day he walked into Central Perk all depressed because she had moved out?  

            It was the same day, he remembered - just a few minutes later - when Rachel Green walked back into his life.  Complete with a soaking wet wedding dress and veil.  

How ironic.

            Ross lifted his eyes up to the sky.  In any other place in the world, you might see stars above you when you looked up.  Not here.  Here, the only place you could see stars was at a planetarium.  

            More memories.  More regrets?

            He sighed again as he shifted his eyes back to the sidewalk in front of him and immediately froze.  His only instinct was to turn his back and try to avoid being seen, but just as he started to spin on one heel, her eyes met his.  He stared at her, and she stared back, neither sure what the next move should be.  Unable to turn away now, Ross managed a tiny smile and lifted his hand in a resigned greeting.  

            Rachel's eyes widened, her expression a mixture of shock and sadness.  

And then, she smiled back and started to walk toward him.  

_When I saw you on the street_

_I almost turned away_

_And then you stared in disbelief_

_Because I smiled and waved…_

_Oh, the years have turned my bitterness_

_Into a sad regret._

_And it's good to finally talk to you_

And lay our past to rest… 

            "Monica told me you were coming," Rachel stated quietly when she reached him, her eyes on his face.  "I know you asked her not to, but she thought…well, just in case something like this happened."

            "I didn't tell her not to.  I just…I wasn't sure…"

            "That I'd want to see you?  Of course I would.  I miss you, Ross.  Just as much as the rest of them do."

            He accepted this with a nod, looking at the ground to avoid her eyes.  Rachel shifted uncomfortably, feeling the tension, though she wasn't sure why it was there.  She had never understood why Ross left, not really.  The others tossed around their own theories, and the general consensus was that he must have still been in love with her.  But Rachel had found that hard to believe.  Not after all the years they had been apart – and everything that had happened.  Deep down, she knew that there would always be a special place for him in her heart – and for her in his – but she had watched Ross fall out of love with her, just as she had with him.         "How long are you staying?"

            Ross shrugged, forcing himself to look up and into her eyes.  There, that wasn't so hard.  _Just talk to her, Ross.  She's supposed to be your friend._

            "Um, the plan was for a month.  But…I'm not sure.  I might leave in a couple of days.  I might stay forever."

            He could tell she was surprised by his vagueness, and her expression demanded more of an explanation.  He sighed and gave her a half-smile, gesturing to the sidewalk in front of them and resigning himself to the inevitable.    

            "Are you in a hurry?  Maybe we could get a cup of coffee…"

            Rachel smiled, a look of relief passing over her face.  

            "No, I'm not in a hurry.  I was just getting out of the apartment for a while."

            "Central Perk, then?  It's only a block away."

            With another nod, Rachel fell into step beside him as they headed toward the coffee shop where the entity of "Ross and Rachel" had begun more than a decade ago, with a depressed soon-to-be-divorcee and a naïve twenty-something who had somehow found the nerve to walk out on life as she knew it.  

            So long ago…

TBC…


	2. Chapter Two

"When Love Dies" – Chapter Two

            "So…" Rachel began awkwardly as they settled down on the familiar orange couch with coffee cups in front of them.  She struggled to find a topic of conversation that would be "safe", but she really had no idea what might hit a nerve with Ross.  Luckily, inspiration came quickly, and she blurted out the question before the silence grew too heavy.

"What do you think of Caleb?"  
            Ross smiled, finally relaxing a little as he happily followed Rachel's lead.    

            "He's great.  I can't believe he's so big!"

            "Yeah…" Rachel said wistfully.  "He's growing up fast.  You know Chandler and Monica are trying again?"

            Ross shook his head, his eyes shadowing as he thought about how much he was missing.  "No…I didn't know.  I guess I shouldn't be surprised."

            Rachel glanced at him and smiled slightly.  "I think she hopes that if they're close in age, they'll end up being friends…like the two of you."

            Ross nodded slowly, directing his gaze into his coffee cup.  Why did that make him feel guilty?  Had he let Monica down…by running away?  Had he let all of them down?  

            "How does Chandler feel about another baby?" Ross finally asked, determined to push the unpleasant thoughts aside.  

            Rachel laughed softly and shook her head.  "Monica thought she was going to have to talk him into it, but he's more excited than she is!  Hard to believe, isn't it?  Chandler Bing – all grown up."

            _Chandler…all grown up.  _Ross sighed inwardly, feeling another stab of regret as he digested the words.  He had always been the "grown-up" of the group – the first one married, the first one divorced – the first _re_married and div- Okay, three marriages, three divorces.  He had been the first to become a parent, the one with the steady job, the PhD…a _career_ while the rest were still searching for themselves.  And now, he was the one that was floundering, while Chandler – his formerly commitment-phobic, Peter Panish best friend – had somehow managed to become the "responsible" one.  That was hard to swallow.

"I guess everything changes…" Ross commented softly, immediately regretting the words when he saw the flicker of distress that crossed Rachel's face.  She recovered quickly, and gave him a tiny smile.

            "I guess so.  I mean, look at you.  Running the paleontology program, living in Egypt…NOT married."

            Ross laughed abruptly, almost choking because the stilted attempt at humor was so unexpected.  When he regained his composure, he glanced at Rachel and smiled slightly. 

            "So…do you think I did the right thing by going to Egypt?"

            "I can't tell you that, Ross.  That's something you have to decide for yourself."

            "I don't know.  After three years, I still don't know if it was good or bad."

            Rachel paused, watching him carefully.  She had known Ross Geller most of her life – loved him, hated him, ignored him, treasured him, supported him…and hurt him.  But never in her life had she seen him look so completely lost.  

            "Are you happy, Ross?"

            "I don't know," he answered honestly, after a long pause.  "Sometimes I think I am.  Sometimes I know I'm not.  But most of the time I'm not really sure."

            Rachel didn't tell him what she was thinking – that he looked like he had lost all faith in the world.  Instead, she reached out to touch his arm, smiling gently.

            "Maybe you don't really need whatever you think you need to be happy.  Maybe it can be a whole lot more simple than you're making it."

            Ross just shrugged.  Rachel took the hint and sat back, taking a sip of her coffee and wishing she hadn't opened her mouth.  Ross noticed her discomfort, and leaned forward, resuming their former conversation before the silence thickened.  

"You've changed too, Rachel," he told her quietly.  "I can see it in your face.  You look…content."

            As the words left his mouth, he realized they were true.  She did look content.  Happier than he had ever seen her, in spite of the awkwardness of the moment.  And as she raised her eyes to his, he felt his heart start to pound with the knowledge.  

            She was happy.  It wasn't questions about her own life that lingered in her eyes – it was concern for his.  She had already found her place in life – he could tell she had no doubt of that.  She was happy…maybe he should finally try to be happy for her.  And maybe – was it possible that she was right?  Maybe his happiness didn't lie in her hands after all.  

Cause I have changed and you have changed 

_And all is forgiven now._

            He could feel the lump start in his throat, and though he tried to stop them, two tears trailed down his cheeks.  He looked into Rachel's eyes and saw that her eyes were filled with tears as well.  He wondered if she knew what he was thinking, and felt oddly confident that she knew his every thought.  Wordlessly, she reached over to hug him, and he leaned into her arms, feeling a strange comfort wash over him as he admitted to himself that she had no regrets.  He was sad, yes – maybe he always would be - but he was also relieved.  He knew it was time for him to let go – to let whatever was left in his heart of "Ross and Rachel" die – to just be "Ross".  He would never move on until he did.  And he was tired of living in the past.

_And a long and silent last embrace_

_Shows our respect somehow._

_It's okay to cry a little_

_I know where it comes from._

_These tears of sadness and relief_

_When love dies in your arms._

            "I'm sorry I didn't come to the wedding," Ross told her quietly when he was able to speak again.  There was no point in avoiding the subject any longer.  They were both silently reciting the conversation to themselves.  He didn't want to play the games anymore, and besides – the apology was long overdue.   

            "We missed you," Rachel said simply, not even attempting to mask the hurt on her face.  Ross sighed and leaned over to rest his head in his hands.

            "I'm sorry," he repeated, his eyes on the floor.  "Believe me, Rachel, I wish I could go back.  But you should know how I felt.  You didn't want to go to London for my wedding to Emily either."

            "No…I didn't," Rachel admitted softly.  She gazed at him steadily, wishing he would look up at her.  "But this was different and you know it."

            "Yeah," Ross said, his voice slightly bitter.  "No chance that you were going to say the wrong name, was there?"

            Rachel bit her lip, looking away from him to hide her hurt expression.  "That's not fair, Ross."           

            "No, it's not," Ross whispered, instantly repentant.  "I'm sorry.  There's no excuse.  I just…it hurt too much, Rachel.  I didn't think I could stand there and watch you marry him."  It sounded trite even to him, given the circumstances.  He hadn't cared about how petty it was until now.  

            Rachel moved closer to him, leaning over to look him in the face.  "Look, Ross.  I know we caused you pain.  I know you probably had all kinds of emotions running through you when you found out…  I don't begrudge you those feelings, 'cause I felt them often enough for you.  But in the end, I always stood by you…because you were my friend.  He did too, and you _know_ he did.  So in the end, I hoped that our friendship would be enough of a reason for you to be happy for us."

_You were once my deepest pain_

_But you were once my friend._

            "I know it should've been, Rachel.  I know I was a selfish bastard and I guess I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life.  But I just…I always thought that one day…you and I…"

            "So did I," Rachel admitted, fiddling with the hem of her jacket.  "For a long time, so did I."

            "I should have realized it years ago," Ross said softly to himself.  "I was holding on to something that was already dead."

            Rachel glanced at him quickly, her eyes wide.  "Don't say it like that, Ross.  It makes it sound so hopeless.  Just tell yourself that we're in the past."

            Ross reached over to squeeze her hand and nodded slowly.  "I know.  Maybe I – maybe I just needed to see you again…to see for myself that you didn't have any regrets.  And you don't.  That much is obvious."

_And a part of me was holding on_

_Till I saw you again…_

"I do have regrets, Ross," Rachel whispered.  "I regret hurting you, and if I was the reason, then I regret making you go to Egypt and split up the group.  I regret the fact that on my wedding day – the happiest day of my life – I was wondering if you were going to show up rather than sharing my happiness with you.  I wish that I – and Monica and Chandler and Phoebe and Joey – hadn't had to spend the last three years missing you.  But I don't regret choosing him, Ross.  If that's what you want…I just can't."

Ross closed his eyes, letting the words wash over him.  They didn't hurt as much as he thought they would.  He opened his eyes slowly and locked his eyes with hers, suddenly ashamed.  

"No…no, that's not what I want.  I'm going to stop being selfish, Rachel.  I – I don't have any right… You belong with him.  Even I can see that.  And I – I _am_ happy for you.  For both of you."

Rachel gave a short, slightly strangled laugh, happy tears choking her as she spoke.  

"Joey would love to hear you say that."     AN: You _had _to have seen that coming…

Ross stiffened involuntarily at the mention of her husband – a man he had also called his best friend until he bitterly convinced himself that Joey couldn't be both.  Then he forced himself to relax and smile, realizing once again that the pain he was expecting simply wasn't there.  Had he dreamed it into existence to begin with?  Just because she was Rachel…and he was Joey?

He didn't know.  He'd never considered the possibility until now.  Maybe he had.  Maybe he'd never know for sure.  Guilt suddenly washed over him and he stood up abruptly, already shrugging into his coat.

"I'd better go.  Phoebe's expecting me, and my stuff is still at Monica's…"  

Rachel looked up at him and nodded, then hesitantly stood up as well.  "Okay.  Will I see you tomorrow?"

            He was relieved that she hadn't offered to walk with him – which only made sense considering that she lived right across the hall from Monica and Chandler.  Maybe she wanted to be alone, too.  Whatever her reason, he was glad.  The night had already been full of emotion and he didn't want to talk about it anymore.  

            "Yeah…yeah, tomorrow.  Maybe we could all have lunch," he murmured vaguely.  He was sure Rachel was just as aware as he was that it wouldn't be "all" of them.  As far as he knew, Joey would be in L.A. for another few days at least – and Ross couldn't help but feel grateful for that.  He turned to the door, then paused and looked back at Rachel.  

            "It was good to see you, Rach.  I…I did miss you."

            "Yeah," Rachel said softly, smiling sadly.  "I missed you, too."

            Ross gave a short nod, hesitating before leaning in to quickly kiss her on the cheek.  With one last tight smile, he headed for the door, breathing a sigh of relief when he hit the cool night air.  He hoped Monica wouldn't start asking questions when he stopped by.  He wasn't sure he was up to it.

            So.  He'd made his peace with Rachel at long last.  He was surprised it had been so easy for him to – and he was surprised that Rachel had been so forgiving.  But something told him Joey would be another matter.  Ross closed his eyes as the memories washed over him.  He had been so unprepared…  But that was no excuse.  There was no excuse.  

            He'd once vowed never to forgive Joey.  Now he only hoped that Joey would forgive him.  

To Be Continued…


	3. Chapter Three

He knocked hesitantly on the door to his sister's apartment, wishing that he didn't feel that a knock was necessary.  The door swung open immediately, and Chandler was giving him a wide smile and welcoming him in.

"Mon's reading to Caleb," Chandler said quietly, explaining the absence of his wife and son from the room.  "Do you want to go in and say goodnight before he falls asleep?"

Ross glanced toward the bedroom, and nodded with a slight smile.  Chandler smiled back, then nodded toward the bedroom.  

"Go on in," he instructed Ross as he pulled a plastic dinosaur-shaped cup out of the cabinet.  "I'm on a water mission – bathroom, not kitchen."  

Ross turned to go into Caleb's room, entering as quietly as he could so he wouldn't interrupt.  Caleb and Monica were lying in the bed, Caleb's eyelids drooping as he tried to concentrate on the book Monica was reading in a soft voice.  Ross smiled at the sight, stepping to the side so that he could lean against the wall.  His movement caught Monica's eye, and she grinned and waved him over.

            "Just wanted to say goodnight," he offered as an explanation, pausing to smile at his sleepy nephew.  

            "Will you come t'morra, Uncla Woss?" Caleb asked, his voice soft and sleepy.

            "Yeah, buddy.  I'll see you in the morning."

            Caleb nodded, pleased, just as Chandler walked into the room with the water.  Chandler, too, paused in the doorway to survey the scene, then moved over to the bed.

            "Here you go, son.  Bathroom water, nice and cold."

            "T'anks you, Daddy."  AN: Don't you think that would be just the cutest thing?  A kid calling Chandler "Daddy"?  Awww… Caleb was already burrowing underneath the blankets, ready to drift off.  Ross left the room quickly, determined that he wouldn't intrude on the nightly ritual any more than he already had.  He noticed his luggage stacked neatly in front of the window in the living room, and went to sort through his bags and decide what he would need for the night – he could come back for the rest tomorrow.  But as he stood in front of the window, he found his gaze traveling down and looking into his old apartment.  It was still empty – and still his – after three years.  He just hadn't been able to give it up.  He wondered if it bothered Chandler and Monica – or any of them – that they could still look through the open window and straight into the empty apartment.  He had a feeling it did.

            "I was always sorry that the way you found out about me and Monica was by seeing us through that window," Chandler said from behind him, jolting Ross out of his trance.  He turned around quickly, smiling slightly at the memory.  

            "So was I," he told Chandler in a dry voice, making both of them chuckle.  Ross glanced up at his brother-in-law, then turned back to the window.  

            "Chandler…I don't think I ever apologized for how I acted that day.  Or thanked you."

            "Thanked me?"

            Ross sighed, the hint of the smile around his lips growing into a full one.  Being in New York again must be making him sentimental.  "For loving her like you do.  For finally making my little sister as happy as she always deserved to be."

            Chandler smiled back and shrugged thoughtfully.  "I can't help loving her.  And as long as I'm alive, I'll be doing everything in my power to make her as happy as she's made me.  That much I can promise."  Chandler paused, a mischievous grin dancing across his face.  "Besides, her big brother threatened to hunt me down and kick my ass if I ever hurt her."

            Ross laughed out loud, blushing as he remembered.  "Yeah, well…I will."

            "My money's still on Chandler," Monica interrupted with a laugh as she walked into the room and over to them.  She ducked underneath Chandler's arm and wrapped her arms around his waist as she looked up at her brother.  "You want something to drink?  Eat?"

            "No…thanks, Mon.  I think I'll head on over to Phoebe's.  I don't want to keep you guys up."

            "Ross, you're not intruding," Monica assured him.  "You're family.  We haven't seen you in years…Besides, when have you ever not been welcome here?"

            Ross nodded his appreciation, then turned to look out the window again.  

            "I saw Rachel," he announced quietly, rubbing his hands nervously up and down the side of his pants.  He kept his gaze on the world outside to avoid whatever expression was crossing their faces.  When he finally turned to look at them, they had masked their surprise and were patiently waiting for him to continue, their curiosity evident.

            "We're okay…" he told them, feeling the words were inadequate for the emotional meeting and the change he could already feel in his heart.  The both nodded silently – approvingly – and Ross could see Chandler arm tighten around Monica.  They must have been waiting for this, he realized.  Wondering how much longer the rift in their once-close group would continue…and feeling torn between their respective best friends and a brother.  

            "I guess…I guess you probably think it's about time, huh?" he questioned them with a nervous laugh.            Neither answered, but their silence was acknowledgement enough.  Monica left Chandler's side long enough to hug her brother tightly.

            "I'm glad," she whispered to him.  "It's…this – thing…it's been tearing both-"

She stopped abruptly, but Ross could have finished the sentence for her.  He lowered his gaze to the floor, knowing they were all thinking about the same thing.

            Joey.__

_            **Flashback – right after Joey and Rachel's "date" in TOW Joey Dates Rachel.  (Borrowing some lines from the show, but this is where everything takes a different turn…Remember, Rachel's not pregnant, but let's just pretend they went out to dinner and ended up having the same conversation in the restaurant about what they do on dates.)**_

****

_            "So tell me.  What are Joey Tribbiani's end of the night moves?" Rachel asked teasingly as they entered their apartment together. Joey smiled slightly, not sure he wanted to reveal his secrets to his roommate, but knowing Rachel wouldn't give up until he told all.  _

_            "Uh, well…if I want the girl to kiss me, the first thing I do is make my lips irresistible."_

_            Rachel smiled, as she sat down at the counter and reached for their leftovers. _

_            "How do you do that?"_

_            Joey grinned sheepishly and sank into his chair._

_            "Well, you can't tell anyone, but I put on a shiny lip balm."_

_            "Oh my God," Rachel breathed, choking back laughter.  _

_"Yeah, like a moth to the flame," Joey bragged.  He glanced at her again, determined that she would spill her secrets as well.  "Ok, all right, so now you go."_

Rachel smirked, crossing her legs and picking daintily at their leftover lobster.  "I'm not going to tell you."

So she was embarrassed, too.  "Why not?"  
            "'Cause it's embarrassing," Rachel informed him with a shrug, a slight blush tinting her cheeks.  

"More embarrassing than shiny raspberry lip balm?" he asked her, incredulous.  Realizing his slip, he leaned back into the chair, grinning sheepishly.  "I didn't say raspberry before, did I?"  Rachel shook her head, her eyes sparkling with laughter.   "Just tell me, Rach, just tell me!"

With a huge sigh, Rachel stood up and gestured to him.  "Okay, all right.  Stand up."

He obeyed, suddenly realizing he was nervous about what was to come.  He watched as she walked over to him and stood in front of him.

"Well, when we're at the door," she told him, leaning slightly toward him in a conspiratory gesture.  "I lightly press my lips against his and then move into his body for just a second."  Joey swallowed hard as she moved even closer to him and had to fight with himself to keep from putting his hands on her waist.  "And then I make this sound," she murmured, moaning softly.  She laughed and moved away from him.  "'Okay, I know it didn't sound like anything, but I swear it works!"

"Uh –um, yeah…" he mumbled, his eyes still on her face.  No one had ever affected him so completely – and she hadn't even touched him.    

The realization came in a flash, so strong that he could feel himself physically shake.

He loved Rachel.

            As he stared at her, contemplating this new information, her expression changed too – going from teasing and seductive to confused and slightly wary.

            "What?  You think it's stupid, don't you?"  
            He didn't think about the consequences until afterwards.  He threw himself into the moment – and, he realized with delight as she kissed him back – he took her with him.  It was a moment as pure and beautiful as any moment he had ever imagined, and in his heart he knew that it was right.  

            And then the door opened behind Rachel and Joey pulled away from her to find Ross staring at them in shock.  

_            Ross gaped at them for a long moment, completely at a loss.  When the scene finally registered completely, he felt his confusion melt into anger.  _

_            Joey and Rachel?  _

_            "What the…"  He looked from one to the other, noting Joey's shamed face and Rachel's dazed eyes.  "You – and you?"_

_            "Ross, look," Joey started, but Ross cut him off with a shake of his head.  He glanced at Rachel, glowered at Joey, and left, slamming the door behind him.  _

_For a week, whenever the six friends were in the same room, "tense" was an understatement.  _

_Joey was guilt-ridden, Rachel was defiant, and Ross did nothing but sulk.  Rachel had all but moved in to Chandler and Monica's guest room because things were so awkward between her and Joey in their apartment, and Ross refused to speak to either one of them.  Joey had tried to confide in Chandler, but his disjointed speech about rules and London and Monica just left Chandler bewildered.  It was Monica who finally put the pieces together, with the help of Chandler's version of the "talk" and her own incoherent confession session with Rachel.  Within minutes, they had enlightened Phoebe – who was upset because she hadn't seen this coming.    This, the other three friends decided, was even worse than the Emily-won't-let-Ross-see-Rachel fiasco.  They unanimously decided not to get involved._

_They didn't have to.  The situation blew up all on its own. _

_            Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey were watching t.v. in a strained silence when Ross walked into the apartment.  He paused when he spotted Joey in the armchair, but the greetings from his other friends kept him from walking back out.  He nodded at all of them, begrudgingly including Joey in the gesture, and went to get a soda from the fridge._

_            "What are you watching?" he questioned uncomfortably as he walked into the living room, surveyed the seating options, and chose a spot on the floor on the other side of the room from Joey.  _

_            "Gilmore Girls," Chandler answered gleefully, not taking his eyes from the set. (AN: I'm newly addicted to that show, by the way…)_

_            "Oh, that's on tonight?" Ross answered just as happily, momentarily forgetting the silent feud with Joey.  "What did I miss?"_

_            "Well, Rory went to New York to see Jess and now she's going to miss Lorelei's graduation ceremony," Chandler told him, jumping when Monica elbowed him.  "What?  You like this show too.  Last week all you could talk about was how hot Christopher was!"  
            "Jess?  He's just going to tear Rory and Dean apart," Ross groaned, opening his soda.  "Why doesn't he just leave her alone?"_

_            "Maybe he loves her," Joey said thoughtfully, not even noticing that his comment changed the dynamic of the whole room.  Chandler and Monica exchanged worried glances with Phoebe, while Ross stared at Joey in shock. _

_            "Love?  Are you kidding me?"_

_            Joey glanced up, surprised that Ross was directing a comment in his direction.  One look at Ross's face made him aware that the conversation had apparently taken a turn he had missed.  This was no longer about a t.v. show.  _

_            "You don't love Rachel!" Ross shouted, jumping to his feet and pointing at Joey.  _

_            "I – um…"  Joey glanced at his friends for help, but they were even more at a loss than he was.  "Ross, look-"_

_            "No, Joey, you look.  I don't know what made you think you could make Rachel one of your one-night stands-"_

_            "I never thought that!"_

_            "Then what was it, Joey?"  Ross crossed his arms and glared at him. "Love?" he asked mockingly.  "Rachel and **I** were in love.  You don't know anything about it."_

_            "I do love her!" Joey exclaimed as he stood up, unable to contain himself.  "I do.  But I know we'll never be together.  I know I'm not good enough.  You don't have to keep pounding it into my head, Ross.  I know that I'm not you.  I know I don't stand a chance!"_

_            For a long moment, there was nothing but silence as Joey and Ross faced off, their friends looking on in shock.  Then they heard the sound of the apartment door clicking closed, and they turned in unison to look._

_            Rachel was standing in the doorway.  They all watched as her eyes locked with Joey's – and Ross felt his heart sink.  He knew that in that moment, any chance of a future for him and Rachel had been destroyed.  _

_He had thought that if this day ever came – the day he realized that the last spark between them had died – it would be a moment of sadness…a look shared between them where they read it in each other's eyes, sad smiles of understanding, one last long hug as they finally said goodbye to their romance and relinquished all the "might've been"s.  Maybe to someone else that would seem too dramatic.  But to him, their love had been so wonderful and life-changing that it deserved it.  _

_Rachel and Joey.  That was the last way he had ever imagined it would go._

I couldn't bear to see it then 

_With raging jealousy_

_A feeling once so beautiful_

_Should die with dignity…_

_            **Back to the Present….**_

****

He gave Phoebe the details of his talk with Rachel and waited.  Phoebe had been more than supportive through the whole thing – and he had suspected that "Joey and Rachel" might have broken her heart too…just a little bit.  But if it had, she never admitted it, and he never questioned her.  His feelings had been public knowledge, and everyone had seemed to know more about them than he did.  He wouldn't put her through that.  Besides, he didn't know for sure exactly what her feelings for Joey were.

            Phoebe grinned as he finished the story and impulsively leaned over to hug him.  

            "I knew it!  You're staying!"

            Ross pulled back to look at her, squinting in confusion.  "Well…yeah.  Unless you want me to get a hotel… I mean, it's kind of late."

            "No, not here, here!" Phoebe "clarified", gesturing wildly.  It took Ross a minute to figure out that she meant New York in general.

            "I don't know, Phoebe.  I mean – yeah, I want to stay.  Ben is here, my family, you guys… But I think I should talk to Joey before I decided any of that.  I don't want…he might not want me to stay."

            "Are we talking about the same Joey?" Phoebe asked incredulously.  "Of course he'll want you to stay.  He's missed you as much as any of us…He felt horrible when you left, Ross.  He wanted to fix things so badly, but he didn't know how.  He didn't think you wanted him to."

            Ross was silent, considering that.  He finally looked up at Phoebe and smiled slightly.  "I guess for a while I didn't think I wanted him to either."

            "And now?"

            "Now…I think I'm the one that needs to do the fixing."

            "So…you're staying!" Phoebe exulted with a huge smile.  Ross chuckled and shook his head.  Maybe she was right.  He wasn't going to argue right now.

            "We'll see, Phoebs.  But right now, I could really use some sleep."  He yawned, suddenly feeling his long flight taking its toll.  "Do you mind?"

            Phoebe shook her head, then leaned over to hug him tightly.  

            "I'm glad you're back, Ross.  I really missed you."  She sighed slightly, leaning her head on his shoulder.  "It was hard being just me.  I guess you're the only one that can understand that."

            Ross nodded against her hair, suddenly feeling guilty for leaving her in New York to be the fifth wheel.  He knew Phoebe had felt left out of the group at times over the years.  With the exception of a few short months here and there, they had never had roommates.   And therefore, they had never had those "special" relationships with anyone that Rachel and Monica or Chandler and Joey had.  Ross had other ties, but Phoebe wasn't a roommate, sister, college roommate, or best friend from high school.  As Rachel had so inappropriately put it years ago, she "lifted right out".  It _had_ to be even worse now, with the other four all married to each other and him in Egypt…and though he had never known Phoebe to suffer from a lack of love interests, it had to get lonely.

            And loneliness was something he knew a little about.


	4. Chapter Four

            _Wow, it has been a **really** long time since I've written anything…and much, much longer than that since I've updated this story – since 2002, in fact!  Does anyone even remember this (or me)?    Oh well…  I decided I would take advantage of an unexpected day off from work (snow day, yay!) and finally get this thing finished, even if it's bad.  And…I about halfway succeeded.  =)  Hopefully the rest will follow shortly.  _

Ross groaned as the combination of sunlight and Phoebe's incessant humming finally pulled him from his restless sleep.  He cursed jet lag as he turned his head to glance at the clock, but reluctantly pulled himself into a sitting position.  He had a feeling that if he didn't get up now, Phoebe would just start singing louder.  

            He wearily rubbed his eyes, then pulled on a t-shirt before he stepped out into the living room.  It had taken him almost a week to adjust to the time change when he arrived in Egypt.  He sincerely hoped it wouldn't take him that long this time.

            "Morning, Phoebs," he greeted her as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.  

            "Morning," Phoebe answered cheerily, picking up a coffee mug and pouring him a cup.  "Did you sleep well?"

            "Hmmm…" Ross mumbled as he sipped the coffee, hoping the caffeine would do its job quickly.  "Yeah.  So good I think I could just sleep the whole day."

            "Well, you can't," Phoebe informed him without apology.  "Chandler just called – we're having lunch in an hour."

            Ross made a face as Phoebe turned her back, not happy about the announcement of their plans for the day.  It wasn't that he didn't want to spend time with his friends – of course he did! – but he didn't know why Chandler couldn't have postponed his plans a little and allowed him a few extra hours to adjust to Eastern Standard Time.

            "I guess I should take a shower then," Ross stated with resignation.  "I'll be out in a couple of minutes."

            Phoebe shrugged, her joy at the thought of a reunion eclipsing any sympathy she might have had for her weary friend.  "Okay.  Towels are there in the closet."

            "Yeah, thanks," Ross muttered as he headed for the bathroom, hoping the steady spray of water would help wake him up.  He purposely made the water as cold as he could stand it, so that he wouldn't be tempted to linger.  Right now, he felt like he could close his eyes and fall asleep standing up.

            A few minutes later, he was shrugging into his clothes, still shivering from the cold shower and feeling a little more alert.   He found Phoebe out in the living room, having a spirited conversation with the plants she was watering.

            "I'm starving," Ross commented as he plopped down on the couch and covered a yawn with his hand.  "And I have to admit I'm looking forward to American food.  Where are we going?"

            "Monica and Chandler's," Phoebe answered distractedly, not realizing that Ross was referring to a restaurant.  Ross rolled his eyes and decided to be satisfied with that for now, since he did not currently possess the energy that pursuing this line of questioning with Phoebe would require.  

            "Soo…should we go?" he asked instead, anxious to be on their way now that he had resigned himself to going.

            Phoebe turned to look at him, a smile flitting across her face.  "You wait three years to come back and visit us and now you can't wait three minutes to leave for lunch?"

            Ross smiled in return, taking the teasing for what it was, and feeling a wave of nostalgia as he realized how deeply he had missed the easy banter that characterized their little group.  There was none of this light-hearted ridicule in Egypt; no sarcastic rejoinders, no random, off-the-wall observations.  Dinosaur jokes abounded, but even Ross knew that it wasn't a good sign that he was widely recognized as "the funny one".  

            "Fine," he remarked, settling back down against the couch cushions.  "We don't have to leave right now.  I'm sure Monica is a lot more easy-going about punctuality now that she has a toddler, huh?"  
            Phoebe's eyes widened as she considered that, then in one swift motion, she put down her bright purple watering can, grabbed her purse and jacket, and headed for the door.

            "Ross, we should probably go," she informed him, as if she were scolding _him_ for holding her up.  "Caleb gets cranky when he's hungry."

            Ross grinned as he followed her out the door.  It was nice to know that some things hadn't changed that much after all.

            "Uncla Woss!" was the exclamation that greeted Phoebe and Ross as they entered the Bing residence, where Chandler, Monica, and Rachel had already gathered.  Ross grinned at his nephew's enthusiasm, smirking at Chandler as Caleb squirmed out of his father's arms and ran straight into his uncle's.  

            "No hello for me?" Phoebe asked, pretending to be offended that the two-year-old had not greeted her with the same measure of excitement.  Caleb turned his head from Ross's shoulder and bestowed an angelic smile on his 'aunt'.  

            "Hi, Aunt Phweebs."

            "Hi sweetie," she responded with a smile, leaning over to give him a wet kiss on the cheek.  Caleb squirmed away from her, laughing, then turned his attention back to his new-found uncle.

            "Are you gonna eat wiv us?" Caleb asked with wide eyes, waiting for Ross to nod before he continued.  "We're **_not_** goin' ta Mommy's wes'waunt," he confided, clearly pleased with a rare change of mealtime scenery.

            Ross smiled, looking over at Monica to see what her reaction would be to her son's comment.  She was shaking her head in feigned exasperation, while Chandler looked on with a grin, clearly enjoying Caleb's candor.  

            "Well, that's good," Ross replied, winking at his sister over Caleb's head.  "I wouldn't want to eat there unless your mom was there to cook for us.  She _is_ the best cook in New York, you know."

            "I know," Caleb agreed with an earnest nod, not disputing what he clearly considered fact.  

            "So where **_are_**we going?" Ross asked the child, repeating the question he had unsuccessfully tried with Phoebe earlier that morning.

            "Mommy said **_you_** gets to choose," Caleb announced, his eyes big with the honor that had been bestowed on his uncle.  Then he lowered his voice confidentially, as if he were sharing a secret.  "But 'member 'dat Daddy likes hambu'gers, Mommy likes foods that are hard to say, Aunt Wachel likes helpfy stuff," Caleb made a face that illustrated his opinion of Rachel's common choices, "and Aunt Phweebs won't eat anyf'ing that comes fwom an aminal."  Caleb paused, thinking, then his eyes lit up with further knowledge that he could offer.  "And Uncla Joey likes pizza…but he's in Ca'fornia," Caleb concluded with a sad shake of his head, dismissing any need to consider Joey's tastes while choosing a restaurant.

            Ross was aware of that all eyes were resting on him, wondering how he would react to the mention of Joey's name.  Determined not to show any emotion – good or bad – especially in Rachel's presence, Ross kept his eyes on Caleb's face.

            "What about you?" he asked, deciding that his young nephew's preference would be the most influential in his choice – and at the same time wishing he knew Caleb well enough to already know the answer.  "What do you like to eat?"  
            Caleb hesitated, considering his answer carefully.  After a moment of thought, his expression of concentration melted into the smile that was already becoming familiar to Ross.  

            "Macawoni and sheese."

            Ross laughed, looking pointedly at Chandler.  "He inherited your taste buds, huh?"

            Chandler shrugged and looked proudly at his son.  "Well, Monica's doing her best to sway him to more…sophisticated tastes, but yeah, Cae's more of a hot dogs and potato chips kind of guy.  Right, little man?"  
            "Wight!" Caleb confirmed happily, much to his mother's dismay.  

            "Well, then I guess we're going somewhere with macaroni and cheese." Ross said firmly, searching through his memory for a good restaurant with that on the menu.  "How about that restaurant a couple of blocks up?  What was it called – Travita's?"

            "Travinia's," Monica corrected, nodding her agreement.  "That okay with you guys?"  

            "Fine with me," Rachel said, reaching for her purse.  "Let's go, I'm starving."

            "Caleb," Monica began, turning toward her son as the others grabbed jackets and prepared to leave, "do you need to go to the potty before we leave?"

            "Nu-uh," Caleb replied, his stubborn tone reflecting his dislike for the process of potty training.  

            "If you don't go now, Daddy will have to take you to the big boy bathroom at the restaurant," Monica warned.  "Are you sure you don't need to go?"

            "Sure," Caleb reiterated after a moment of hesitation, sounding a little more uncertain than he had a moment ago.  However, Monica accepted it, not wanting to prompt a temper tantrum.  Caleb may have inherited Chandler's simplistic taste for food, but he definitely had Monica's stubbornness and proclivity for winning.  Besides, "Daddy" would be the one dealing with Caleb's dislike of public restrooms if one was needed.  

            "Okay then," Monica said, giving Caleb a glance and one last chance to visit the bathroom.  "I guess we're ready to go. "

            Monica's announcement was punctuated when the door to the apartment suddenly swung open, and Joey poked his head through the door, grinning like he knew the world's greatest secret.

            "Hey guys, have you seen Ra – "  

            Joey stopped dead in his tracks, his face paling noticeably as his eyes fell on Ross.  He blinked once in disbelief, then slowly took a step into the apartment, not bothering to close the door behind him.

            "Ross."

To Be Continued… 

**(I'm putting the next chapter up simultaneously – I just had to split them up or it would've been really long!)**


	5. Chapter Five

****

**_Flashback – Immediately After the "Gilmore Girls" Flashback (AN:  In Chapter 3, since I'm sure none of you remember what the heck I mean by that):_**

****

****_Joey stared at Rachel for long minute, then slowly dropped his eyes and scuffed one shoe against the rug.  Rachel watched him, her eyes wide with shock from the conversation she had just walked in on.  Slowly, she dropped the bags she was carrying, never taking her eyes off Joey.  Ross knew that look, knew it all too well._

_            She was looking at Joey the same way she had looked at him the day they watched the old video from her senior prom, as she came across the living room and into his arms.  He had once believed that look would be only for him for the rest of her life._

_            "Um, whattaya say we go get some coffee, guys?" Chandler suggested forcefully, breaking the silence in the room.   _

_            "Yeah, let's do that!" Phoebe replied with exuberance, casting an apprehensive glance at Joey and Ross as she headed toward the door.  Rachel stepped aside to allow Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe to pass through, then glanced at Ross as if expecting him to go with them.  When he didn't move, Rachel slowly turned to shut the door, leaning against it with one hand for a brief moment before turning back to face them.  Joey was still avoiding her eyes, and after a moment of hesitation, she slowly crossed the kitchen to stand in front of him._

_            "Joey?" she questioned in a small voice, laying one hand on his arm.  Joey finally raised his eyes and tried to force a smile from the downward curve of his lips.  _

_            "Rach."  _

_            Rachel knitted her eyebrows together, trying to decipher the look on her best friend's face.  She figured she had probably memorized every expression he had years ago, but she had never seen quite this mixture of hope, guilt, and vulnerability in his face before.  _

_            "Joey," she repeated, more insistently this time.  He swallowed hard, then simply shrugged with a half-smile.  The simple gesture was enough._

_            "Since when?" she asked in a whisper, looking incredulously into his chocolate-brown eyes.  _

_            "I don't know," Joey admitted.  "I just…"_

_            A smile spread slowly across Rachel's features, and reach up to stroke his cheek with one hand. _

_            "Yeah.  I know."_

_            "You can't be serious!" Ross burst out, finally fed up with the scene.  "It's **Joey**, Rachel.  He doesn't know anything about _love_."_

_            Rachel turned on him, her expression one of disbelief.  "This has nothing to do with you, Ross."_

_            "It has **everything** to do with me!" Ross exclaimed, looking surprised.  "You're Rachel."_

_            "Well, you do know my name," Rachel commented sarcastically.  "But I'm still not sure why you deem it necessary to be here right now."_

_            "Fine, I'll go," Ross said, throwing up his hands in exasperation.  "But you have to decide, Rachel.  It's me or him.  I won't just stand by and wait for him to break your heart."_

_            "Ross, come on," Joey finally spoke up, looking sick from the confrontation.  "Let's just sit down and talk about this."_

_            "I don't want to talk to you, Joey," Ross spat out, glaring at him.  "I'm not sure I ever want to talk to you again.  I trusted you; I thought you were my friend.  I can't believe you would do this to me."_

_            Joey froze, his shoulders slumped in defeat.  Ross had hit him where it hurt, but the words were true.  He had broken the sacred rules of friendship.  It didn't matter that he hadn't been able to help falling in love with Rachel.  It didn't matter that he had tried **for Ross's sake** to stop it.  The damage was done.  _

_            "Get out of here, Ross," Rachel demanded, her voice cold.  "Leave before you say something else you'll regret."_

_            "Rachel – "_

_"Don't make me choose," Rachel warned him.  "Don't, Ross.  You won't like the outcome."_

_            Ross's eyes widened in astonishment, and he looked from Rachel to Joey and back again.  Rachel didn't waver.  Shaking his head, Ross stormed out of the apartment and down the stairs, leaving Rachel and Joey alone._

_            Two weeks later, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe watched him board a plane for Egypt.  _

_            Six months after that, Ross received a wedding invitation with a note pleading for him to come.  It was signed 'Joey and Rachel'.  _

_            He threw it away._

_            **The Present:**_

For a moment, the world inside Apartment 20 froze, with Ross and Joey locked together in a startled gaze.  Before any of the adults could recover from Joey's sudden appearance, Caleb broke the trance with an excited shriek.  

            "Uncla Joey!" he bellowed, scrambling out of Ross's arms so quickly his uncle was afraid he had dropped him.  Quickly recovering from the shock of Joey's unexpected arrival, Rachel squealed and ran happily into Joey's arms, while Caleb wrapped himself around Joey's left leg.  

            "Sweetie, what are you doing here?" Rachel asked, gazing adoringly at her husband, whose eyes were still locked on Ross.  "You said it would be another week!"

            Distracted, Joey broke eye contact with Ross and looked down at Rachel.  Immediately, his face brightened and he placed a quick kiss on her lips.  

            "We finished up early," he explained, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as his other arm went around her waist.  "I wanted to surprise you."

            With that, his gaze went back to Ross.  "But I guess I was the one who got the surprise," he finished quietly, without hostility.  "Ross," he acknowledged with an up-nod, watching him warily.  

            "Joey," Ross nodded back, his heart hurting when he realized that under different circumstances, Joey would have been greeting his absentee friend with a headlong bear hug.  Tentatively, Ross reached out a hand, knowing that after all they had been through, it was his responsibility to make the first move.  Surprised, Joey hesitated before reaching out and shaking it firmly, swallowing hard as memories overwhelmed him.  

            "It's, um…" Joey paused, trying to find the right words for this encounter.  "It's good to see you," he finally said, surprising himself with his sincerity.

            "Yeah," Ross agreed, forcing a tight smile.  "It's…been a long time."

            "I didn't know you were coming home," Joey said softly as he studied Ross's face, hoping it would offer some sign to let him know how he should respond to his old friend.  Despite everything they had been through together and all the years they had lived as nothing less than brothers, the one event that had changed both of their lives stood between them and neither of them had any idea what to say.  Silence reigned as each struggled for words, while their friends – and Rachel – looked on with tense faces, wondering if all hell was about to break loose and knowing there was nothing they could do to stop it if it did.  

The only person in the room oblivious to the reason for the awkwardness between the two men was the one most troubled by it.  Caleb glanced from one uncle to the other, perplexed by the looks they were giving each other and the almost frightened silence of his parents and his aunts.  Shrugging his tiny shoulders, he let go of Joey and took a step back so he could look up at him.

            "Are you gonna come eat wiv us, Uncla Joey?"

            The strain on Joey's face melted into a smile as he looked down at Caleb, and he let go of Rachel to pick up his honorary nephew.

            "I don't know," Joey replied, scrunching his face into the goofy smile that never failed to make Caleb giggle.  "Where ya goin'?"

            "To get macawoni and sheese!" Caleb informed Joey with glee, relieved to see his beloved uncle smiling again, and quite pleased with himself for diffusing the tension in the apartment.  

            "Ohh…" Joey replied, looking suitably impressed.  "How'd you talk your mom into that?"

            "Uncla Woss picked," Caleb stated matter-of-factly, gesturing toward Ross and directing everyone's attention back to the prodigal son.  "Are you gonna come?"

            Joey ignored Caleb for the moment and turned his attention to Rachel.  "You were going?" he asked, his voice meant only for her to hear.  Rachel nodded, wishing she could explain the wounded look off his face, but not wanting to go into the details of her reconciliation with Ross while he was there in the room.

            "Come with us," she said instead, reaching up to run a hand through his hair.  "You must be starving."  

            Joey swallowed, not even acknowledging the irony of Rachel's statement:  When was he **_not _**hungry?  Instead, he studied Rachel's face, hoping for some sign of reassurance.  It was ridiculous, he knew – feeling betrayed by the apparently restored relationship between Rachel and Ross – but his history with the two of them made him vulnerable.  And now, walking into this apartment and seeing everyone – everyone but him – preparing to share a jovial meal together like nothing had changed…it was enough to turn his stomach to ice.

            Joey closed his eyes for a split second to compose himself, then forced himself to smile confidently at Rachel.  "You know what, babe?  I ate on the plane…and I'm worn out.  I think I'll just stay here and…take a nap or something."

            He watched her face drop, confused by her reaction.  Surely she didn't _really_ want him to come along.  The rest of them could pretend all they wanted to, but he came to terms long ago with the fact that things weren't the same as they used to be.  And as much as he hated to admit it, and as much as he tried to defend it, Joey knew that at least part of the blame for that rested on his shoulders.  That was what kept him awake sometimes at night, as he stared at Rachel's sleeping face and mentally acted out scenarios, trying to figure out how he could have saved his friendship with Ross…and still kept Rachel. 

            "You're sure?" Rachel asked softly, her hand resting on the nape of his neck as she stared up at him.  Joey smiled slightly and nodded, hoping she wouldn't recognize the doubt on his face…all the while knowing full well that any acting skills he had managed to acquire over his sporadic career disappeared completely when this woman looked into his eyes. 

            "Yeah," he replied, giving her a lopsided smile.  "I'll…I'll just catch up with you later, okay?"  He addressed the question to all of them, looking to Chandler for approval first and then allowing his gaze to swing slowly around the room at the others until his eyes rested on Ross once again.  Ross was the only one to respond to the rhetorical question, nodding slightly in silent understanding before allowing his eyes to fall to his shoes again.

            "_We'll_ catch up with you later," Rachel amended, giving Joey a bright smile before turning to their friends.  "You guys don't mind, do you?  We haven't seen each other in almost a month."

            "No," Joey cut in, before anyone else could respond.  His own abruptness startled him and he flushed guiltily in response to the sudden bewilderment on Rachel's face.  "No, sweetie," he tried again, as he reached for her hands and gave her a shy smile of apology.  "You should go.  Ross… Ross is here…and you were just getting ready to head out.  I don't want you to stay home on account of me.  I don't mind, baby.  Really."  That was a lie, of course.  He **_did_** mind, and he hated himself for it.  He wasn't the jealous type; he never had been and he didn't want to be.  But damn it, with Ross he just couldn't stop it.  It was like some kind of weird chemical reaction to his hair gel or something.

            He watched her eyes slide over to Ross and linger there, and Joey felt his heart drop as he realized that he'd put her back in the position they had both hoped she would never be in again.  Maybe it was hopeless, inevitable; maybe her destiny was to make the choice between them again and again.  

            He'd wondered before – and still agonized over the possibility – if the heartrending repetitiveness of moments like these was Fate's attempt at righting a wrong; a second – or third or fourth – chance for Rachel to change her mind and choose Ross, therefore putting all the planets back in proper alignment.  

But from the moment Rachel had placed her hand in his and told him that she was choosing love, she had never faltered.  Instinctively, Joey's left thumb reached out to stroke the wedding band adorning his ring finger, which was tangible, undeniable evidence of the promises and commitments they had made to each other.  Ross hadn't changed them then, and he couldn't change them now.  Deep down, Joey knew that, knew it with a certainty only the love in Rachel's eyes could validate.  But at the same time, the dread that had settled in his stomach demanded that he acknowledge the fact that Ross had been in New York only a matter of hours – and still they were right back where they started: facing each other across the room, waiting for Rachel to make a choice.

            "Ross," Rachel began, and as Joey followed her gaze to his old friend and adversary, he realized that Ross had been watching him, appraising his expression and demeanor.  When their eyes met, Joey was surprised to see a flicker of remorse on Ross's face, but Ross's attention shifted to Rachel before Joey could examine him further.  "You don't mind, do you?" Rachel asked, putting on her best "gotta love me" grin.  "We can meet you for dinner tonight…"

            Rachel let the suggestion linger and while Joey suppressed his unhappiness at being included in the plans, Ross hesitated slightly and then nodded affably, looking as if he wanted to say something but thought better of it.  Joey was baffled by Ross's strange behavior and the lack of hostility in his stance, but shrugged it off as Rachel began bidding everyone goodbye with promises of a nice dinner later.

            As Rachel opened the door and pulled him into the hallway, Joey glanced back over his shoulder, his gaze drawn to Ross against his will as questions swirled through his mind.  Ross raised his eyes just in time to meet Joey's, his expression making Joey's eyes widen in disbelief before the door closed behind them.

            He had thought his relationship with Ross Geller was beyond repair, that it had been sacrificed – unwillingly yes, but sacrificed still – in the name of love.  But in that split second, Joey had seen something he never would have expected, something that gave him, for the first time since his wedding day, a spark of hope for reconciliation.

            It had been tentative and tight with uncertainty, but Joey had no doubt that he'd seen it.

Ross had smiled at him.

As soon as they were alone in their apartment, Rachel wrapped her arms around Joey's neck and pulled his head down to hers for a kiss.  The familiarity of her form in his arms and the gentle touch of her lips helped to ease his recent anxiety, and he tightened his arms around her as Rachel sighed happily and slowly opened her eyes to look up at him.

            "Hi," she whispered, her eyes shining with pleasure at being reunited with her husband.

            "Hi," he whispered back with a lopsided grin, leaning forward to drop a kiss on her nose.  Rachel giggled as she buried her head in his chest, sliding her hands inside his leather jacket to feel the warmth of his body through his t-shirt.  

"I'm so glad you're home," she told him, concentrating on the comforting sound of his heartbeats through his shirt.  "I missed you like crazy."

"I missed you too," Joey murmured in return.  "I was counting the minutes until the plane landed."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you were coming," Rachel admonished him happily, pulling away to look up at his face.  "I had no idea."

Joey smiled back at her, then pulled gently away from her.  

"I guess a lot of people are showing up unexpected around here lately, huh?" he stated quietly, tilting his head to one side.  The implication was clear, and he sighed deeply as he felt Rachel's arms slowly drop away from his waist and back down to her sides.  There it was again:  just a reference to Ross was enough to actually, physically separate them.  

"Are you upset?" Rachel asked contritely, biting her lip as his eyes shadowed and he looked away from her.

            "Not upset, Rach," he told her, shrugging helplessly as he slumped down into his recliner.  "Just…confused.  I mean, nobody even told me he was here.  Do you know how it felt to walk into that apartment and find everyone acting like nothing ever _happened_?"

            "I know, sweetie – "

            "And since when are you and Ross **_friends_** again?" Joey blurted out before he could stop himself, all of his insecurity presenting itself in the single desperate statement.  Instantly repentant, he shook his head and sighed, running a hand wearily through his hair.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean – "

            "Hey," Rachel murmured, crossing the room to sit on the arm of the chair and put her arms around his shoulders.  "Don't apologize.  I know it must have been a shock to see him there…"

            "With you," Joey countered, rubbing his hand wearily over his eyes.  "He was there with you."

            "Yes," Rachel said carefully, "he was.  I know you weren't expecting him to even **_be _**here, much less in the same room with me…"

            "You've talked, then," Joey stated, his eyes dropping to the floor.  "You and Ross, you've worked out your differences."

            "Joey – "

            "Funny, though, that your "differences" were your opinions about me."

            "Joey, you're acting like this is a _bad_ thing.  It's what we wanted!  We wanted things to be the way they used to be."

            "But they aren't, Rachel!" Joey exclaimed, standing up and facing her.  "It's not that easy for me and Ross.   He said he would never be able to trust me again.  He said he was sorry he ever considered me his friend."  

            Rachel closed her eyes, feeling the familiar rush of rage at Ross's cruelty and the words he had forced both Joey and herself to carry with them into their marriage.  Then she remembered the remorse on his face the night before as he apologized for everything he had put them through, and her anger slowly dissipated.  

            "And you know what, Rach?"  Joey continued, dropping back into the chair as if he had just been deflated.  "I don't even blame him.  I crossed the line, and the rest of it was just…it just was."

            "Joey, Ross was wrong.  He was _wrong_.  He knows that now.  He told me he was sorry.  He said he was happy for us, for **_both _**of us."

            Joey looked up at her, his expression cautiously hopeful.  The memory of Ross's hesitant smile as they left Chandler and  Monica's apartments flashed through his subconscious, and he felt his heartbeat quicken in sudden anticipation.

            "You think…you think he's finally…?"

            Rachel nodded in response to Joey's unfinished question, then slid into his lap.

            "Yeah, sweetie.  I think we finally have Ross back."

            Joey sat stoic for a moment, digesting that thought.  Then his face broke into a grin and he hugged Rachel close before standing up with her in his arms.  He stood her upright and reached for the phone, punching in the phone number from memory.

            "Who are you calling?" Rachel asked, confused by his actions.  

            "Pizza," Joey answered matter-of-factly.  "I'm starving."

            "I thought you weren't hungry?" Rachel commented, incredulous.  "You said you ate on the plane."

            "I did," Joey responded with a shrug.  "And now I'm ordering pizza."

            He grinned at her as the restaurant picked up on the other end, and Rachel couldn't help smiling back, even as she shook her head in false exasperation.  

            Everything was per usual in her world once again.

            **To Be Continued…if I can get over this severe Writers Block!   Comments are welcome – maybe they'll inspire me.   =)**


End file.
